Over the past 9 months Andrew & I have been getting to know our son Jack by his active hands & feet! With each growing rapidly in strength, I'm constantly reminded of God's marvelous design. Becoming a portal for his creation is overwhelming in the best way & I could sit criss-cross applesauce all day long just pondering the idea. However, I knew very early in pregnancy that I didn't wanted to "slow down." Although physically, it wasn't much of my choice, I intentionally set mental goals to not allow this exciting new transition into motherhood become an idol in my life. Thankfully I absolutely love what I do as a wedding photographer & capturing the love of others isn't such a shabby past-time. Whether we're lenses up in the chapel or editing behind the scenes, keeping busy provides an escape in having to lasso my mind from drifting off to la la land. Today I'm talking about the ups & downs through this season on the job & sharing the beautiful film images of our maternity session photographed by Rachel. Isn't she just so talented?
I need my husband for so many things & since becoming pregnant... so many more! Without a doubt, Andrew has been my saving grace this wedding season through his selfless acts of service. He loads the equipment, carries the bags & most importantly grounds me with perspective. Admittedly one thing that has changed since carrying Jack, is my abundance of energy. As soon as we reach the car at the end of the night the, first thing I do is toss my shoes (& all other publicly necessary clothing articles) in the backseat & sink into the passengers seat for a moment of prolonged silence. But all minutes in between us arriving & going home are handled with poise because of Andrew! His role arises most often as one of those guys on the snicker's commercials that rebukes the diva out of me by shoving a cliff bar in my face. They're not lying when they say YA NEED YOUR FOOD! Without him by my side to remind me of the importance of these amazing wedding days, I'd be lacking in contentment, lacking in creative vision & so so incredibly hungry.
Something's for sure - wedding guests have no filter. I can't tell you how many off-the-wall comments we hear about my belly on a wedding day. The most typical comments are "You're about to pop!" or "Oh, honeyyyy, you must be exhausted!" During one of our most recent ceremonies, a woman I'd never met before stormed toward me with a harsh grimace on her face & barked "you need to sit down!" Luckily the bride had already made it down the aisle & didn't witness the scene, but I was so shocked & confused. I told her gently that it was my job to remain standing & that I appreciated her concern which eventually with persuasion made her pull away... but not before she made her disapproval of me wearing heels known to all! I was also asked how far along I was by a sweet grandfather of the bride, but not in the typical way, he asked right down to the week! "Are you about 34 weeks now?" he says & he was right on the money! It was the absolute sweetest seeing this 75 year old man staring down at Jack with an ear to ear grin & I just knew in my heart he had a billion grandbabies who adored him. :)
Day in & day out of witnessing these countless brides making life-changing covenants with their husbands, I'm forced to reflect on my first days as a married woman. I remember my concentration shifting inwardly (in the wrong direction) as I became more familiar with any other human I'd ever had. This type of intimacy is such a curious thing, even appealing, but man does it sting to first see your selfishness so up-close! As a new wife, my identity was wrapped up in the actions i took to "better my husband"... how great i was at encouraging him, the amount of dreams he pursued with my helpful hand & ultimately his overall satisfaction in me by his side. Do you see the pattern in it all?
I, my, me.
As a sinner, then & today, I am constantly seeing things I need to change in my heart, but being broken without the ability to adjust them on my own, has brought peace, relief, comfort & closeness with my Savior. He is the one who I press on so fervently to be, because I am nothing without Him. As i basque in this swallowing truth I pray my dependence on Him never waver through marriage, through business & especially as a mother.
The only true hope of any success in raising a child, is for Andrew & I to fix our perspective not on who we one day wish to be as a husband, wife, father or mother but who God is & will always be outside us & deep within. My hope is that this little one sees two parents who are weak in the flesh, through their jobs & everyday lives who can do nothing on their own initiative… but anything through the Lord. My hope is that Jack believes in the pure truth of the Gospel, the beautiful freedom of God's grace & that together as a family we can share in a relationship that sharpens one another to be more like Jesus day by day.